Overcoming Perfectionism
What is perfectionism?
Brené Brown calls perfectionism “the armor we use to try to protect ourselves.” If I can be perfect enough, if I can say just the right thing, if I can be attractive enough, smart enough, productive enough, wealthy enough---then I can protect myself.
Protect ourselves from what? Often, we’re trying to protect ourselves from rejection, abandonment, pain, criticism—all the bad things. We think if we can just be perfect, then we can save ourselves from all the bad things. And of course, you know what is coming here, there is no way to be perfect. It is literally impossible. We can’t reach perfection because either there is no objective definition of what perfection is in a certain situation and it is open to opinion or preference, or we can’t reach perfection because we are humans who have needs, emotions, connections and there will usually be a person not satisfied with us, justifiably or unjustifiably so.
The Connection between Perfectionism & Shame
What tends to happen when we are not perfect/attractive/smart/productive enough? We go to shame. Perfectionism and shame are two sides of the same coin. We try to be perfect to protect ourselves from shame. And when we ultimately (of course!) fail to be perfect, we conclude that we must be bad. We cringe at the memory of what we said. We conclude that he/she/they will never invite us again because of that thing we said. Sometimes we stay awake at night thinking that our partner will break up with us because we were not easy enough or funny enough. We fear being fired from a job because we haven’t done enough. Shame tells us if we are not perfect, then we are bad. We are unlovable. We are not good enough.
Shame is always behind perfectionism. Brené Brown says that perfectionism is:
“20 ton shield we lug around thinking it will protect us when in fact it’s that thing that’s preventing us from taking flight.”
It keeps us from taking flight through sharing our words or art. On a Saturday night, it keeps us at home instead of dating. It keeps us silent when our feelings are hurt by a loved one.
Perfectionism Versus Vulnerability
Think of the idea of taking flight. In order to take flight, we have to step into a vulnerable space. We have to take the jump, leave the nest, and step into the unknown. Perfectionism keeps us disconnected whereas vulnerability allows us to connect. Vulnerability says you don’t have to be perfect to be lovable or worthy. Vulnerability is about courageously showing up and being seen as a full human with all of your wonderful parts and your not-so-pretty parts. It allows us to connect with others and say—hey you don’t have to be perfect for me to love you or want to spend time with you.
While perfectionism is concerned with the outcome—being perfect at any cost—vulnerability is all about the process. That over and over again, you can show up as authentically you and that is enough. Others may like you or not like you. They may praise your work or criticize it. You are enough regardless of the outcome or what they think or say. Your worthiness is there regardless of your doing.
Tools for Overcoming Perfectionism
So how can we overcome perfectionism and move to a place of connection and vulnerability? Here are some ways I suggest, as an anxiety therapist, to get started on the path.
Label your perfectionistic thinking and shame thoughts.
Practice giving yourself the benefit of the doubt that you are doing the best you can in that given moment.
Get curious about the fear associated with your perfectionistic action or thought.
Reflect on your definitions of ‘success’ and ‘failure’.
Show up and be seen regardless of the outcome.
Ask for what you need in your relationships.
Communicate your feelings in safe spaces.
Practice doing things imperfectly to realize that it is enough.
Use self-compassion to validate the fear of rejection and the difficulty that comes with being vulnerable.
Have the courage to be vulnerable. Believing you are enough is what gives you the courage to show up authentically.
Here are some affirmations to use to overcome perfectionism.
I am worthy of love regardless.
I am forgiven.
I forgive myself.
I am enough.
I am proud of myself for being courageous.
Resources for Overcoming Perfectionism
Here are some helpful books on overcoming perfectionism (link to books)
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
The Anxious Perfectionist by Clarissa Ong
Get Support Overcoming Perfectionism with Anxiety Therapy in Los Angeles, CA
Overcoming perfectionism isn’t easy but it is possible with the right tools and support. If you are ready to get rid of your shame and anxiousness I can help with anxiety therapy. In order to get started with counseling at Flourishment Psychology then follow these steps:
Start overcoming perfectionism with an anxiety therapist
Embrace that you are enough
Other Therapy Services I Offer in Los Angeles, CA
At Flourishment Psychology you can receive a variety of mental health services. For individuals, we offer support for trauma, women, and therapists. In addition to individual therapy, we also offer family therapy.
